The Morning After

Jason helped himself to what was left of the bean dip. It was creamy and had firm chunks of bean in it, just the way he liked it. He thought it was left over from the wild tupperware party his roommate had had last night. He was still cleaning up the fondue from the walls and waking the hungover clerks and secretaries in the tub and pantry. Groaning, they asked what time it was and if they could get a ten percent discount on the two quart containers. He couldn't speak for his roommate so he just handed them robes and walked away. They followed him into the kitchen with that hungry look, hoping for a great deal before the morning commute. He told them to buy in bulk and they rallied together around the breakfast nook tossing out numbers and more of the less hardy leftovers. Jason heard his roommate in the shower yodelling old folk tunes, which meant trouble. Last time he heard that, his roommate had come home covered in dog fur, offering no apologies and getting it all over the furniture. If there was to be a last straw, he would have to play something from his hand, or at least use his hand to turn the faucet. The roommate screamed as his shower went from sauna to ice water in two seconds flat. The clerks and secretaries converged menacingly on Jason, hissing that he had harmed "the leader." Jason protested, saying: "I am your new and improved leader." He climbed up on a chair and continued: "Gary is last year's model. I am 20% smarter, which means savings for you, plus I come with a lid, also known as a hat." They murmured appreciatively and enquired into his money back guarantee. That was an easy one - "I guarantee I will never refund a penny of your money," which seemed to displease them. Gary entered just then and declared that nothing Jason offered was ever microwaveable, which left them speechless. Together, they reached for the plastic, reusable knives.