To Bleed Or Not To Bleed
Tonight on Bloody Blood, we slit veins and slash arteries - and let someone else clean up! You won't believe who we've got on the show TONIGHT! Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome ... my dead dog Rover! He won't bleed, but his trick is fetching his own femur - blindfolded! You've never seen anything this amazing, and gross! (We tried having him fetch his own liver, but he ate it) We also have several famous past celebs including the charming Bloody Mary and Hemogoblin Herald. And last, but not, least we will spin seven pieces of dried roadkill on poles at the same time! Now try not to faint from astonishment; brace yourselves for ... a commercial!
[Jingle starts] [sad vampires shuffle on screen]
Tired of thin, runny blood?! Wish you could clot like your dog? Then try new Clotathon! It's the one-a-day that will have you clotting round the clock! When you most need it!
[vampires smiling - playing frisbee in a park - sewing with needle and thread - jet skiing - sucking down Blood Slurpees at the mall - happy music plays]
Welcome back to Bloody Blood. Please welcome Bloody Mary!
["The Band" plays - the red long velvet curtain pulls back, and a smiling Mary walks out to applause from the audience and over to the host, where, as they shake hands, she slashes him across the neck with a hidden dagger. The audience roars with laughter
She holds up a bottle of Clotathon with an ingenuous look and sets it conspicuously aside. The audience roars again.
Holding his jugular pinched with one hand, the host returned to his desk. When some blood runs down and drips on the microphone, a stage jockey scuttles on and replaces it.
"Sit down sit down! It seems like its been too long since we last had you on. I hear you have some new victims - tell us about them.
"Yes, it's true, Bud, I've got my next victims all picked out, and-"
"We have a surprise for you, Mary - they're right here in the audience." Gasps sweep across the room, and the spotlight whips over to a man in a body cast under a tux. Bud smiled, feeling clever, if faint. "See if you recognize this voice!"
A muffled invective of foul curses emerges from the inert body.
The host is enjoying himself, mopping up drips now and then.
Mary strains to hear. After a tense moment or two she smiles triumphantly and says "Young Prince John! I'd know that Gloustershire accent a mile away at sea!"
The body convulses as the rasping voice grows louder. "You're too late, Bloody Mary, Lizzie Borden got to me first."
The audience immediately began chanting "Lizzie! Lizzie! Lizzie!"
From behind the curtain leapt - Lizzie Borden. Instantly, Bloody Mary was on her feet, a host of small, sharp objects in her hands. They flashed across the stage, snickety-snack, embedding deep in Lizzie's flesh. Lizzie flinched, but pointed at Mary's guts, which were spilling out onto the carpet. Both of the lovely ladies flashed pearly whites, and strode quickly to embrace.
[camera rotates around stage to catch the Jerry-Springer-like antics]
Soon the stage was covered in blood as the two battled their way back and forth. Just as they were about to run out, nurses came in with transfusion IV's. Finding a good vein, Mary slashed it open and drank the contents in big, dry gulps, pushing the nurse aside when she collapses. The IVs she used to wrap around the necks of the two camera guys and use them as weighty 'numchucks' to decimate the rest of the crowd
As usual, Bud was hoisted up, safely out of the action and making comments like "how does that make you feel? and "what would you do in her position?"
Carl Humburger pushed the 'pause' button and looked out at the board of directors. "What do you think," he asked, "Will it get past the censors?"
"It will if we give their addresses to Mary!"
